The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.

– Eleanor Roosevelt, and BangBang

The Old Battle of Venus and Mars

We've all seen When Harry Met Sally a hundred times. I'm pretty sure you're lying if you say otherwise. If you're like me, you had a mother who hated Meg Ryan so you didn't watch that film until you went off to college, where you watched it like all the time just to catch up. This movie is crucial to everyone's lives because it discusses the only thing anyone cares about: whether or not men and women can be friends.

Fancy Footwork

[Editor's Note: The following post was written by guest blogger and friend, BangBang. Please give her a warm welcome!]

On this perfectly rainy Friday, I decided to accept the offer of writing a short piece as a guest blogger on MindMedley. Little did I know, the task before me would not be as easy as I imagined. It took me awhile to figure out what I wanted to write about until I finally decided to stick with something I am passionate about, DANCE. So let me just give you a quick little glance into the dancing world. I tend to get overly excited when it comes to all things dance so I will do my best to keep it short and sweet for all of you MindMedley 

                                                                                 readers out there. 

Literary Doubles

Writers publish under pen names for many reasons, whether it is to conceal gender, hide political or religious affiliation, or to avoid the pressures of an overbearing audience. I too began this blog under the name "Basket Case" so I could write whatever I wanted without it getting back to me (you know... to avoid a spandex fetish scandal when I'm the first female president of the Moon). The only problem with this is that my nom de plume is pointless-- the only people who read my blog are my friends who have been instructed to read this OR foreigners who mistakenly wander across these pages after googling strange things like "linen sheath condoms" or "fuck gay vintage" (true story, unfortunately). And to them, I am but a mere speck in the universe. So, I have since changed my pen name to simply "KT" which rings a little closer to the truth of who I am.

Readership aside, blogging on the internet is a curious phenomenon, especially for the writer. When I was first starting out, I was both overwhelmed at the thought of putting myself out there for any and all strangers, and relieved to know that most likely no one was reading this. It's an odd feeling, having an imaginary audience amongst a few real ones. There is also the pressure to be incredibly witty, funny, or interesting. Sometimes, I think I pull this off, but mostly probably not.

Taste the Explosion!

Today's long-overdue post is going to be about Pop Rocks! Why? Because this blog is dedicated to the issues and asking the hard questions. The current events. Investigative journalism. I'm Linda Ellerbee and you all are a  group of teenagers and this is Nick News. Gather 'round and let's discuss.

Actually, Pop Rocks were brought to my attention because some jokester thought it would be funny to have his 82 year old grandma try them for the first time and record her reaction for all the youtubers to see. It was pretty funny! I'll post it at the bottom. Thank you for the inspiration!

Pop rocks were invented by a General Mills research chemist in 1956. Let's stop here. Are most candies invented by scientists? I guess I've never really given the birth stories of my favorite candies much thought. I know that Willy Wonka has oompa loompas and a chocolate factory and that's where Nerds and Nerd Rope come from, but my knowledge stops there. But really, scientists? "Once I get the results back from the boys at the lab I'll know once and for all if my Sour Grape Chocolate Chews are ready for the world's consumption!" - A "White Coat" at the Hershey Factory.

"I think the reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except yourself."

- Rita Mae Brown

But is it Art?

 Ever since Marcel Duchamp submitted a urinal as a piece of art in 1917, everything has become art! I mean, I love you, Marcel. You did some really cool things. And you were the original bad ass. What you did was CRAZY for your time! Snaps! But today, things have gotten a little out of hand. Is that apple art or is it just an apple? Can I still eat it if its art? These are the questions I am faced with on a daily basis. Below are some crazy art forms/ pieces of art. Is it all art? Are we art?

Scott Wade
Dirty Car Art
He brushes away bits of dust with a paint brush, using gray scale values to make his images. The medium is unique but the technique is very traditional. ART!

Bryan Berg
Cardstacker
Oh, boy. I'm going with a definite yes on this one. It may possibly take more skill to stack and balance cards than it does to brush away dust. The best I can do with cardstacking is a modest three-card shack. I think building anything from anything is definitely art. Building requires skill. Reminds me of the guy who made a ship from like a billion toothpicks. Do you know what I'm talking about? Click here to see pictures because it really is amazing.

For Use/ Numen (A Design Collective in Vienna)

Tape Installations

Another example of making something from something. Right, right, right.

I wonder what that all that tape smells like after so many people run and crawl through it. 

I feel like tape gets funky after awhile, you know?

BUT! (here's the big butt) I would definitely say that this is not art. What do you think? These guys walked into a New York convenience store and purchased EVERYTHING! They then took some of those convenience store items, placed them in clear cases and called them art. An upside down coke can, for instance, is selling for $150. I hate that. I hate them. Just because you give something a ridiculous price value doesn't mean it's art. I don't know why anyone would buy a $50 Bic lighter. There is nothing unique about it and you can pick up regularly priced lighters everywhere. Sure, sure, it's for charity--for the owner of the convenience store. Great! Raise those funds but don't you dare trample on the meaning of art in the process.

It's not art, it's just shit. Thoughts?

Type Beautiful

I love fonts.

Earlier this summer I embarked on a project for my job where I had to create a series of posters, each relating to different aspect of local history. It was something to reel in the tourists, basically. I was captain of the ship-- I got to decide how the content was written, choose the photos, decide the layout and the color schemes. But my favorite thing to select was the font. I spent way too much time browsing page after page of downloadable fonts, all in search for the perfect font to set the mood for my posters. One poster required the replication of the font used for Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho, and that was my most satisfying find.

Sometimes, I even find it hard to write if I'm working in a font that is plain or unpleasing to my eye. I usually like to select a style that is classic looking. My favorites as of late happen to be Bell MT, Modern No. 20, and Rockwell. I'm already obsessed with words, phrases, alliterations, imagery, figures of speech so fonts to me act like the fancy wrapping it all comes in.

"People who love ideas must have a love of words, and that means, given a chance, they take a vivid interest in the clothes which words wear." - Beatrice Warde

Tonight, I have two stories to share with you. So come join me by the fire and I will begin.

Theory on Relationships

Despite the fact that I've seen this movie plenty of times, I can safely say that Love and other Disasters (starring the late Brittany Murphy and some hot Brits) is downright silly. But I also love it. This is one of the best parts.

"Son, never trust a man who doesn’t drink because he’s probably a self-righteous sort, a man who thinks he knows right from wrong all the time. Some of them are good men, but in the name of goodness, they cause most of the suffering in the world. They’re the judges, the meddlers. And, son, never trust a man who drinks but refuses to get drunk. They’re usually afraid of something deep down inside, either that they’re a coward or a fool or mean and violent. You can’t trust a man who’s afraid of himself. But sometimes, son, you can trust a man who occasionally kneels before a toilet. The chances are that he is learning something about humility and his natural human foolishness, about how to survive himself. It’s damned hard for a man to take himself too seriously when he’s heaving his guts into a dirty toilet bowl."

-James Crumley

Indubitably

Here is a handy guide for determining how drunk you are. If anything, it makes me realize that I need to start incorporating bigger words into my drunk vocabulary. I don't think I've ever attempted to say any of those words whilst drunk. I choke on much smaller. (Haha Dirty. So sorry. I get thrills out of saying risque things like this... assaulting your unassuming minds.)

Saved By The Bell

Origin of the phrase "saved by the bell":

When our ancestors realized that they were burying a great deal of people before their time had actually come, they came up with a solution. They tied a string onto the "dead" person's hand, buried them, and tied the other end of the string to a bell and then tied it to a nearby tree branch. If the person revived enough to ring the bel, their survivors would rush out and dig them up. Hence..."saved by the bell." (Circa 1500s)

One part lazy, two parts eerie.

BACON!

So, everyone loves bacon (except for the few weirdos who claim that they hate it, can't EVEN stand the smell of it, gross barf barf.... don't worry, as soon as bacon takes over the world, the first thing we'll do is drop all the haters on a small, dry, uncomfortable island covered in bacon factories.)

BUT, despite my love for BLTs, bacon and eggs breakfasts, and chocolate covered bakies, I do think some things have gotten a little out of hand. Maybe--MAYBE--I can understand bacon flavored vodka (pure.refreshing.bacon). Haha just kidding, not really. I've just had time to let it process and if someone had it at a party, I'd probably try it.

Hey Girl!

This is my new favorite thing. Enjoyyyyyy.

The Man Without a Facebook

Oh my god, you guys. I've struck gold. I've struck internet gold! Every video on the website tastefullyoffensive.com has been amazing to watch. I've re-posted like three videos already, not to mention spamming my friends on facebook with hilarious videos.

Here is another one.

Perhaps the BEST Epic Rap Battle

What do you think?



That was intense. I think Shakespeare won because he rapped on his own and super fast. Dr. Suess had his characters speak for them (but I liked the Cat in the Hat part best).

Favorite lines:

"...and then ask what light through yonder poser breaks." -Shakespeare
and
"...break a foot off in your ass with our feetie pajamas." -Thing 1 & 2

Handlebar Mustache Club

Another disadvantage to being a woman. Being British, having an awesome mustache, AND sitting around with your chums drinking large quantities of beer? Ohhhh man, what a life!

Note the dangers of being awesome.

Coffee and Assholes

I hypothesize that this is why women had affairs with their milkmen.

"Just because you feel it, doesn't mean it's there." -Radiohead

"Gone Wilde"

Stop Motion Animation-Stop-Very Awesome-Stop. (Telegram Jokes)

You know what I love? Stop-motion animation. It's seriously the best! It is soooo much work to make things move that shouldn't be moving. I love it.

I stumbled upon this small animation company called Sumo Science. These dudes apparently made the world's smallest AND the world's largest stop-motion animation films using a Nokia N8 (aka camera phone aka super bad ass--so they are also kind of Nokia commercials but so what? It helped them make something really cool.)

Here is the small film, appropriately titled Dot.


Nokia 'Dot' from Sumo Science on Vimeo.

Feats: Biting Apples Whilst Juggling Apples

My notes:
1) Hahaha; impressive.
2) Wins the record for most awesome world record.
3) What a face (I smell another world record...) or, alternatively, "apple-faced goon."
4) I enjoy biting into apples too much to ever rush the process by also juggling. I will kindly sit this one out.

"I read once that the ancient Egyptians had fifty words for sand & the Eskimos had a hundred words for snow. I wish I had a thousand words for love, but all that comes to mind is the way you move against me while you sleep & there are no words for that." -Brian Andreas, Story People

Delicate Wings Cease to Beat

Here is a short film by Paul Kroeker. The filmmaker found a dying dragonfly on his deck and captured the last of its life.


Last Moments Of Life from Paul Kroeker on Vimeo.

That made me kind of sad.

Mellow Mondays

It is a mellow Monday. It is like dead quiet where I work. The taco bar that is usually crowded during lunch hours is surprisingly empty. During days like these, I sometimes think about the Rapture. Like, if it had happened last night while I was sleeping. Except, I start to laugh because I assume that not enough people went to heaven for anyone to really notice. It's like those Left Behind books, except mine would be incredibly short.

Captain Spandex Fetish

Spandex fetishes entertain me thoroughly.

I don't completely get it but I kind of get it. I mean, I've worn tights before. It's kind of cool how smooth and slide-y your legs are when you wear them. In the video below, you can tell he definitely enjoys the slide-y smooth aspect of his fetish. Could you imagine wearing one of those suits on a dry (possibly wet) slip'n'slide? What about an inflatable obstacle course? A freshly polished marble floor? From where I'm standing, the possibilities for fun are endless.

The thing about these Youtube videos (pretty sure there are hundreds, if not thousands) is the lack of inaction. This fetish seems pretty innocent and that's why I like it. The entire time he is positioning himself in different poses and touching his body (not in a directly sexual way). They all seem to be like that. But, I'm no expert. I'm writing this post without having conducted an ounce of research, save for  a few videos (one in a Spider Man suit!)



Did you watch the whole thing? Did you see what started to happen around the 1 minute mark?  Surprise! I wonder how many suits you can wear before things, like breathing, get a little complicated. I think he's technically wearing three suits, like a nude prep suit? I don't know. I saw another video where he was stuffing pillows in his suit and he had a base coat.

My final thought: Super heroes.

Righteous Melody Weave*

I'm going to pretend that the head honchos over at the iTunes HQ asked me to compile a list of my favorite songs for this year's summer. I'm allowed to pretend I'm a celebrity because it's 2011 and the internet rules the word and I already write a blog so I'm pretty much on the path to being "God" anyway. (The quicker route is Youtube, but I hate the sound of my voice so words it is.) As your new leader in this world, the first promise I intend to keep is letting everyone continue to be pretty lazy. And with that, all the song titles are clickable links to youtube videos, in case you feel inspired to listen to any of the songs I recommend (pro tip: right click link, open in new tab). And you better, for as soon as I fix my crystal ball and my smiting powers arrive in the mail, I'll be sure to punish all readers who don't listen to at least one of these songs! 

1. This Must Be The Place (Naive Melody) - Talking Heads

Very relaxing, almost tropical? Also, a good playlist should always have at least one song by Talking Heads (or The Cure). Fact. 

2. Never Let You Go - Third Eye Blind

Another throwback, but sooooo good. Easily a "play-on-repeat"-er. Third Eye Blind has the ability, like Sugar Ray, to recall sunny and beachy images in my mind. It makes me want to crack open a weak beer like a Corona and lay in a hammock. 

3. So Nice (Summer Samba) - Marcos Valle

Climb aboard a yacht and get ready to cruise back to the late Brazilian sixties, when life was amazing. It had to be amazing, because this song is amazing. (Ugh, I couldn't find the actual song on youtube, so I'm forced to give you a link to a lame, lame version. Don't bother clicking. Just download on itunes/ steal off internet.)

4. I Love Clothes (Deadbeat Summer) - Childish Gambino

First, an awesome song by Neon Indian...about summer! (A bit too on the nose?) Second, Donald Glover rapping over it? Yes please and forever. Imagine yourself floating around in the pool from the Stacy's Mom video and/or The Graduate, totally bad ass. Plastics!

5. Our Deal - Best Coast

I feel like I've shown this video to quite a few people, but I'm just not done drooling over it all. My good friend Adam and I decided that this song is very "'driving up the coast'-y" (aka summery).

6. Can You Tell - Ra Ra Riot

Now, every single song by this band is like the best song ever. No joke. RRR is all I've been listening to since summer has started. It's alternative rock but then there are these girls who play amazing string instruments? I'm doing the math in my head right now and, yup, the best. I chose Can You Tell because lyrics, beats, love. 

The Medical Uses of a Gravy Boat

I have a question. Why do neti pots look so much like invalid feeders? (I can see any leftover expression melt off your face as a blank stare takes over. "Wtf is she talking about?" you say to yourself, either in your head or under your breath, with a tinge of anger. And then you consider why it is that you even read this blog anymore...)  Allow me to break it down and provide visuals.

We all know what a neti pot is, right? That ceramic tea pot that you fill with luke warm salt water and shove up your nostrils. The water goes through one nostril and out the other and catches all the odds and ends floating around inside your nasal cavity and drains it out. It sure looks super cool....

Okay, number two. What is an invalid feeder? Excellent question, I didn't know what one was until about two minutes ago, when I stumbledupon.com'd it. It's for feeding liquids to sickies who can't take their liquids themselves. During Civil War times. Here is the picture I found.

See? Super similar. It's like the chicken and the egg all over again. The literature I read that covered neti pot history made no mention of the feeder and vise-versa. Both kindly and quietly pretend that the other doesn't exist...and I suppose that's fine? But the design is flawed for both purposes. For plugged up or snotty users, the neti pot's stout is so large looking! I'd really think twice before trying to shove that up my nose. Why not make it just a little smaller? It's like they've never seen a nostril before! (Which leads me back to my suspicions that they ripped off the invalid feeders.) As for the 19th and 20th century doctors and nurses who thought that the invalid feeders were a life-saving device....what's wrong with using a cup? I don't quite see the benefits of that stout when you could just but small amounts of liquid in a cup. How about a straw? I know the first paper one's weren't invented quite yet, but you guys did have those natural rye grass straws laying about.

Actually, the best use of this type of container is for gravy. It holds a lot of gravy but keeps you from ruining your mashed potato castle when you are filling in the moat. Thank god, because if you let any more corn drown on your watch, it's to the dungeon with you!

Now watch this! (The whole thing. It's only what? three minutes or so? spoiler alert: he cleans his passages with alcohol!)

[Editor's Note: This post is a result of me running out of interesting things to write about, but blogging anyway to appease the hungry demands of my reader(s). Please give me some solid topics for me to write about! Or be a guest blogger! Or both!]

Condoms, Rose!

Now it is time for another installment of Sex History. Not to be confused with Sexy History.

Today, class, we are going to be discussing CONDOMS! Condoms are the leading weapon against those pesky STDs and accidental brats. You can think of them as the safety on a loaded gun. Hahaha! If you don't wear a condom, you might kill someone. Guns are dangerous. The Spice Girls & I urge you to be safe (See lyrics to 2 Become 1)!
 

LIfE adVICE

We could all use a little life advice from time to time. Lord knows I need it every day. And what better way to receive said advice than in comic form. It's like a spoon full of sugar with your medicine, or better yet, Flinstones vitamin chewables. I'd never complain about taking medicine/ life advice if it was coated in sweetness. Also, these comics feature a lot of small clouds or something. I interpret them as farts. Lots of farts everywhere. I don't know how this could get any better! Sweet farts, everyone!

"No good at life, but very funny sometimes with the commentary." -Kurt Vonnegut

The Heart Wants What the Heart Wants

This is how most of my marriage proposals go.

Make 'Em Laugh*

Hahaha lol lulz hehehe bahahaha hardy har har --- Laughter.
This post is about laughter!

Laughing is one of my favorite things to do. I often worry that I do not laugh enough! But laughter is also incredibly bizarre. Our breathing shortens to the point where we're practically choking on air, weird sounds come out of our mouths, and our faces look dumb. Sometimes the laughter face can be mistaken for the pain or fear face. And this happens when we are thoroughly enjoying something. Watch strangers on the street during your people-watching sessions and just try to tell me that it's not weird! Weird but completely amazing and I'd rather be laughing than doing anything else. Here's some interesting facts about laughing (something we alllll take for granted!):

• Laughter is universal. All humans in all cultures laugh.

• We start laughing very early-- when we're about 4 months old.

• Laughter is unconscious. If you force it, you fake it. 

• Laughter is contagious. Perhaps that's the idea behind the cheesy laugh track??

• Laughter is a form of social communication. We rarely laugh when we're alone (I feel like I laugh a lot when I'm by myself...) and laugh 30 times more when in the company of others. What's more, the person doing the talking laughs twice as much as the person listening. Laughter is also thought to be the first form of communication between humans. "Laughter is the shortest distance between two people." - Victor Borge

• Women laugh twice as much as men.

• We aren't the only ones that laugh! Other mammals laugh! Check out these rats!

• The study of laughter is called gelotology. (Weird word, huh? Comes from the Greek word for laughter gelos, geloto) If I were a comedian, I'd refer to myself as a gelotologist. And then I'd sound like an asshole! So it goes.

•  You've all heard the expression, "laughter is the best medicine," well, I'd like to add to that, "only in small doses! Or else you might die!" hahaha Yes, you read correctly, apparently you can DIE from laughter! Really intense laughter can stop the oxygen flow to your brain and cause you some major issues. Also, laughter-induced syncope (fainting) is a thing. Crazy! But before you start deleting your unwatched SNL episodes from your DVR (ha, jk! that show hasn't been funny in years), wikipedia only has like 6 cases on there. Death from laughter only happens to the really unfortunate! And men, it seems! (Sorry, men.) Ha, like one reported case is from the third century B.C. and involves a Greek philosopher dying after laughing from feeding his donkey wine and watching his donkey try to eat figs. Just don't follow in his foot steps. I mean, everything in moderation! Laughter is still the best!

*Creative title credit goes to Lauren, and of course, Singin' in the Rain. 

Visage

My mom bought me a copy of Psychologies magazine a long time ago (like a real long time ago-- October 2009) and I just got around to reading some of it last night. And I just have to say, I'm so disappointed by this magazine! It is just like Cosmopolitan or Glamour but with a few extra "studies" --which Cosmopolitan and Glamour already have, to support their crazy lifestyle and sex suggestions. There is no way this magazine deserves to sit next to Psychology Today and Mental Floss in the magazine stands at bookstores. No way,  no day. If you really want to read a worthwhile magazine, I'd reccommend Psychology Today. It's far from perfect but it has some really interesting stuff in there and it's not organized like "women's interest" magazines.

With that said, there was one really cool (and really short) article about face recognition in Psychologies. Psychologists have recently discovered that there are people who are super-recognizers; that is, they never forget a face--be it the milkman, a taxi driver, or your doctor's receptionist. (Finally, an article about me! Haha, just kidding, all articles are about me, and if not, I find ways. Same goes for craigslist missed connections posts...."I wasn't really walking on West Cliff but I was definitely walking on Saturday, how sweet of him to notice me!" haha) They discovered super-recognizers in their research and work with people who suffer from prosopagnosia, or face-blindness. It is thought that 10% of the population are affected with prosopagnosia, which is A LOT of people, especially considering I didn't know it was a thing until last night. Crazier still, people  are either born with prosopagnosia or it is caused by damage to the brain.

Words, Words, Words

Something I've found myself doing is collecting quotes. I also collect ideas, phrases, poems-- words, language, and sounds in general. I'm not sure where my interests stem from but I think it's a pretty cool thing to collect. I collect ideas, which is way more practical and useful than collecting Pez dispensers or rubber duckies ("What's up with that?" - Jerry Seinfeld). I don't really get that--especially when the collection grows into like a million Pez dispensers and you have to dedicate a whole room to it? Why? I want to know why! What are you trying to say about yourself by collecting a million candy holders from your childhood? Collecting habits and practices are so fascinating! A collection speaks volumes about it's collector and the message they are trying to convey in the displaying of their objects for others to see. Like dorm rooms! Like facebook! Like museums--a-duhhh! Collecting on the national level, sooo interesting. I wonder what collecting quotes says about me! That I should have actually been a lit major? (Just kidding, I'll always love you Art History, even if you never get me a job!) That I'm trying to be intellectual? That everything I say is stolen? Probably. I had a dilemma earlier in the year... because I was stuck on the idea that at the end of the day, all I amount to is pop culture references and other people. Haha I could amount to much worse, or nothing at all, I suppose!

Anywho, this post is kicking off a new weekly tradition of posting quotes--"Quote of the Week," if you will. And to try to keep things interesting, I'm going to start off with a completely depressing quote. It's depressing to me at least, because I believe it sums up my life almost completely. But in an M. Night Shyamalan plot twist, I'll add a quote that cracks me up every time I read or think about it. First tears, then laughter!


"The trouble is not that I am single and likely to stay single, but that I am lonely and likely to stay lonely." - Charlotte Bronte


"Her hair is like a dandelion, like if you blew on it, a lot of it'd fall off." 
- Dpt. Jones, Reno 911


And the irony of it all is that the cool new font I chose makes the quotation marks look weird. What's a girl to do? Please leave your thoughts in the comments! What weird shit do you collect? What do you think of quotes? Let's go around the room.

"The Rarest of Things"

This is a film recorded in 1896 by the Lumiere Brothers. The colors of the dancer's dress were hand-tinted into the film frame by frame. Isn't that just incredible? It's so beautiful! Imagine how much work it takes to color film by hand, especially when it takes 24 frames of film for every second of viewing. I imagine a tired old man hunched over in his studio, wearing glasses with various magnifying lens attachments (exactly like this or this) and working with tiny brushes to keep the color perfectly in the lines. That must be so intense. The dancer reminds me of a flower. Pause the film at any point and it looks super cool. Music is Sigur Ros- "Se Lest." I recommend watching this before you go to bed to ensure magical and strange Labyrinth-like dreams (aka my dreams aka my dream wedding aka over-share!)

Jesus Christ Is Lord Not A Swear Word

It has come to my attention that there are several people haven't ever witnessed the miracles that are the Jesus videos. Sinners, I am here to show you the way, out from the dark into the light! Can I get a hallelujah! Can I get an Amen!

Every line spoken is a line to memorize and drop into casual conversation. Trust (in) me & enjoy!

Jesus Video #1--Jesus Needs a Break

Reblogging: "A Whole New World"

Okay, so I instantly identified with this video for several reasons:

1. I used to do similar shit when I was younger, except I didn't have the technological know-how to record myself and post it online (which I am entirely thankful for!) I used a karaoke machine and it was the Mulan soundtrack. Dressing up still occurred.

2. Whenever I do this duet with someone else, I'm always Aladdin! I don't know if my unnaturally deep voice (ha, just kidding! It's like the opposite--think, Mickey Mouse!) is perfect for the part or what.

3. Do you see the McDonald's fries carton on her wall as decoration? Fries sound really good right now. Plus, who DIDN'T tack fast food packaging to their walls---- just normal American teenager stuff. "This is me!"


COMPLAINTS:
Take an acting class, kid. Or at least learn to pretend like you are enjoying what you're doing. You look like someone off camera is poking you with something sharp, forcing you to make this video. If that's the case, learn how to cry for help better! And what kind of eye line is that? Are you--are you reading the lyrics as you go? Can you not find where the computer is recording?

Disneyland When No One Is Looking

One thing I love about Disneyland is how magically clean it is. Every time I visit the park, it looks like it has just opened. And I got a special invitation for a sneak peak visit. "Welcome, Princess Katie!" an animatronic blue bird chirps as I step through the turnstile at the ticket booth. Once through the portal, a park employee named Eduardo places a diamond encrusted tiara on my head. As he does that, he whispers "welcome home" into my ear, which sends tingles of excitement down my back. Eduardo snaps my picture and then hands me a map. A marching band plays "Push It" by Salt-n-Pepper in the background.

This is an incredible feat for a place that receives 40,000 visitors daily. Clearly, I do way more damage to my one bedroom apartment all by myself! I don't think you understand how impressed I am!

Hrrrrry Pttrrrr MekUp Tutrrrrlll.

In celebration for the much anticipated HP7 pt 2 movie bonanza craziness that awaits us shortly, I am gifting you with a tutorial. A Hagrid How-To! GET EXCITED! Everyone loves Hagrid. Just look at what the fans are saying. The common man, the you, the me. Here we have representation of Hagrid that recalls Gaston a la Disney's Beauty and the Beast. I expect this Hagrid to bust out into song about his chest hairs any minute now. Strong. Manly. Hagrid.

Clearly, it's decided by almost everybody that Hagrid is the next Johnny Depp, aka a SEX SYMBOL! Move over, Brad Pitt!  So, fellas, why not dress like him? He's all women talk/ fantasize about. It's right there in the Cosmopolitan research. Trust me, I read it for you!


Hope you enjoyed that as much as I did. Same girl who did the Avatar Make Up Tutorial, which had me thoroughly entertained for months.

Confessions of a Middle Schooler

I've always known my middle school diary was a fricken gold mine of embarrassment. So much so that occasionally I host author readings for my friends. They still reference and/or quote my youthful self...which leads me to worry that one day, this is all I'll be remembered for. Second, as most of you know, I have this strange compulsion to share my most embarrassing moments with people (sometimes strangers, just for the sake of conversation). It's like chronic diarrhea. Not that I know what that is! Third, what is a blog if not an online diary with an audience? Especially with the way I write. And a diary within a diary... how meta.

So, tonight, I flipped through a blue diary made of faux, dark-wash, denim material with a giant, pink, sparkly butterfly on it (UGH!) and pulled out some quotes that made me laugh outright. As you will see, LITTLE HAS CHANGED!

Rethinking Hipsters

Maybe I misjudged hipsters.

Maybe they actually DO know and thing or two about the history that they shamelessly wrap their lanky bodies in. Maybe they were actually part of the history they fain nostalgia for.

Maybe they time travel.

Don't look at me like I'm crazy. Maybe their snobbery is actually the secret to keeping this whole time travel thing under wraps.

Famed "Time Traveling Hipster" Photo. Do you see him? This is why God gave you eyes!

The time machine probably runs on a complex formula comprised of: cigarette butts, mustache wax, and the chemical compounds found in the plastic frames of the fake glasses that turn normal faces into hipster faces.


[Ed. note: I am a hipster wolf in sheep's clothing (picture me in a furries costume at a "Furmeet" in the woods/ motel 6--that is, a hipster furries costume that is like super tight, maybe ripped, old looking like vintage but I probably bought it at Urban Outfitters, androgynous, oh yeah with ipod headphones coming out of my wolfy ears). If that's too graphic, let me put it this way: hating hipsters makes you the ultimate hipster. Scientifically proven.]

Yesterday's Man

For whatever reason, it turns out that the majority of my known readers are male. You all know who you are! I haven't exactly pegged down why this is. Perhaps I just like things that typical males like... except for girls, sports, cars, camping, Chuck Norris, sexy anime, the "Stars"--both Trek and Wars, the new My Little Pony, deer antlers, and biking. Those are some key man things I just don't get. 

I realize that it now sounds as if I'm not qualified to give my Sunday sermon to you guys. "She just doesn't understand us at all. And it's Friday." - Men, everywhere.

Okay, okay, I understand how you could feel this way. But that's life. Get over it. Sometimes it just so happens that you find yourself getting advice from the absolute worst source ever. And you take the advice. And life generally works out okay. Besides, you can't fire me because I already quit!

But, like I was saying before I dug myself into hole and put in my two weeks notice, these words are being read by male eyes--dreamy male eyes. So, here's some advice and slang for manly men!

Porn Names, Of Course

With the porn industry as expansive as it is today, it must be extremely difficult to come up with an awesome porn name that is both original and enticing. Finding a good porn name is really the only thing that is holding most people back from launching their porn careers, right?

Luckily, the internet is full of porn name generators! I'm pretty sure that's how most porn stars come up with their names. Normal stuff.

Animals Being Dicks

Thought I'd share my new favorite website, Animals Being Dicks. It's simply a collection of hilarious gifs of animals... well, being total assholes.

Condescending Llama and Tophat Kitten are especially good at producing LOLs.

http://animalsbeingdicks.com/

Here's a classic to get you started...

Reflection: Hearst Castle Visit

This post was originally written on December 13th, 2010. I'm not sure why I never posted it. Too nerdy, maybe? Oh well!
-----------------------------------

It is 10:12 on a Monday night. I am laying on a bed in my room at the Wine Valley Inn in Solvang. To my right is the bathroom, where the pipes sound like rain. To my left is my mother snoring away. There isn't much to do in Solvang. It is a lot like Bruges... but less historic. The roads are cobbled and the shops close at five. There is nothing good on TV. So I blog.

(Ed. Note: Our trip to Solvang was filled with In Bruges references, cause that movie is the effing best!)

Today we visited the estate of William Randolph Hearst in San Simeon, also know as the Hearst Castle. It was pretty incredible.  

I was blown away by the sheer size of the ranch. Everything about this well-preserved Hearst dwelling was monumental. For instance, this is the guest house. The guest house!

Nostalgia & Writing

Today, I saw the Woody Allen film Midnight in Paris, starring Owen Wilson and an extremely talented cast. Let me just begin by saying, WHAT A GOOD MOVIE! I mean, it was a little slow at times. For instance, it showed every shot imaginable of Paris and played the same music throughout the entire film. But, get over it, I guess? In fact, this film was so on point that it creeped me out. For those of you who know me well, you know that I am nostalgic for a time long past. And this nostalgia often makes the present seem less than satisfactory. I'm always watching old movies and pining for the Carey Grants of the world. Constant comparisons, constant disappointments. But! Midnight seems to be completely anti-nostalgic. The contemporary man's idea of the Golden Age is the roaring twenties gal's boring reality. The Parisian artists of the fin-de-siecle dream of the Renaissance...
Classic grass-is-greener syndrome. Denial of the present.

The Hunt for the Funniest Comedian of All Time

Welcome to the Hunt, cats and dogs.

In the back of my mind, I've always considered Paul F. Tompkins to be one of the funniest people I've ever had the pleasure of accidentally finding on comedy central and/or youtube.

He's handsome, well-dressed, and has an amazing vocabulary. Trust me: these things, while not huge factors, play into the total package of what makes someone funny. I don't know why exactly but it does. Science! Here is my evidence:

Comedian Death Match: Round One

In this new installment, I will find similar jokes by two different comedians to see who covered the subject better. For this first round: Cinnabon

In the left corner, we have Jim Gaffigan, a self-proclaimed foodie. His jokes are fantastic... bacon, hot pockets, cake. I could listen to him all day. Also, his audience reaction impressions are hilarious.



In the right corner, please welcome Louis C.K. This guy is incredible. His humor is often self-deprecating, as it is derived from a rather negative outlook on life. A little raunchy and offensive at times, he says what we're all thinking.



I'm surprised how similar the two jokes are. Shame, airports, no justification for the consumption.... Did someone steal from someone else? I wonder.

Gaffigan's cinnabon clip is surprisingly weak compared to his other stuff. (HIS OTHER STUFF IS AMAZING, I assure you.) It's like Louis C.K. took Gaffigan's jokes and went crazy with them.

Louis C.K. is the winner! 

Google Doodles Around the World

I L<3VE when Google gets creative and changes up the logo to match whatever holiday/ birthday/ event is going on. Nice job, googs!

There are a TON of doodle that we don't see because they only show us ones they find relevant to our the U.S. Shame shame shame. Luckily you can see them all HERE! I like to try to find the letters in the really crazzzzzy ones. New hobby?

Classic eBaum's World Revisited

So, I've been in the mood for some internet throwbacks and I can't find one website that has compiled all the goodness for me so I guess I have to do it! Here ya go!

----Aicha----


----Numa Numa----


----Milk and Cereal----


----Badger Badger----


----What What (In The Butt)-----


----The End of the World-----


----My Hands Are Bananas----



----Schfifty Five----


Haha most of these are songs with repetitive words..... no cats?!? What am I missing?

Reblogging: Thom Yorke & "Whip My Hair"

So, this was featured on my all-time favorite blog, Videogum. As you all probably know, because you guys are like super hip-and-happening, Radiohead just released a new album and a new music video (whatever that is). And then, because blogging, tweeting, and general interneting are fasting that the speed of light, the music video of Thom Yorke dancing has been edited and set it to CrAxYYY music. And it's HILARIOUS, I guess. I'm not sure what to think because I don't really care that much about Radiohead for some reason. But I'm just kind of talking about it because I feel like it's the cool thing to do. But it is pretty amusing that he dances to "Whip My Hair." Anyway, this is for you, cool people... I'm just going to stay inside and listen to old Brand New, cause I'm so not with it.

The Story Behind Reszo Seress' Gloomy Sunday

So I was trying to find the perfect music to help set the scene for a future filled with despair & Jersey Shore books (see below) when I came across Gloomy Sunday by Reszo Seress, a Hungarian composer.

 This song is interesting because of the number of urban legends behind it. Essentially, this song is said to have caused a large number of suicides. The video, after the jump, gives a detailed (and somewhat romanticized) account of Seress' song and its effects. It is certainly an interesting and morbid read, which is why I am blogging about it, but I don't know how much of it is true.

Science Finds 'Jersey Shore' Negatively Impacts Books

Critical Moment Captured by Scientists

Please note: Borders, an advocate for Books' rights,  is now having to close 200 centers due to society's recklessness and insensitivity. Things are getting serious.

If you do not act now, it may be too late. Books are dying out at extraordinary rates.

And, while all of this is going on, the cast of the Jersey Shore are busy writing books. Pretty soon, these are going to be the only books in the world to read.

Sounds Like Childhood: Voices Behind Disney Characters

Hello, blog! Boy, it sure has been awhile! I'm sorry I haven't called or written... I've just been super busy. I hope this distance hasn't come between us.

Anyway, today I want to talk about Disney ("Oh boy, here we go again"- you) ...specifically the voices behind our favorite Disney characters. I've always had a tendency to be particularly snobby when it comes to knowing the names of the voice actors and the many characters they play. I always award myself special snob points for knowing both the singing and the talking actors names. It takes a certain degree of discipline to be able to derive so much self-confidence from having such obscure knowledge at one's disposal. Ah, so it goes!

Quick aside, my second favorite aspect of Disney to explore is the Southern California theme park & the history behind it. There is a FANTASTIC (fangasmic???) site that I recently discovered called Yesterland (and the url is quite simple... www.yesterland.com) that gives the history of rides and attractions that used to call the park its home. Check it out! My hands-down all-time favorite RIP attraction is the submarine ride. How much fun was that?! Also, I wish I was around in the 1960s when they had real mermaids lounging around in the neighboring lagoon, waving to folks & getting skin cancer. *Magical Moments!*

Back to voices. One of my housies and I were looking up the voices of characters, like the baby from the hit television show Dinosaurs (1991)! Fun fact: actor who voices the baby is the same actor who brought Elmo to life. What the who?! His name is Kevin Clash & he DOES NOT look or sound like someone who lends his voice to a giggling puppet. Google that shit. All this is to say, I stumbly-stumbled onto this video series from 100+ years ago that definitely falls into the catagory of fangasmic (especially if you some sort of childhood-Disney character fetish-- why wouldn't you?). So I'm bringing it to the people so they can witness these miracles and have fangasms until the cows come (cum?) home.







There are the first three to get you started... I'm empowering you to be come
disney snobs like myself! Go out and judge all who aren't as knowledgeable as you! Its wayyyyy more fun to watch if you repeat the actors & copy their voices. Think of it as a foreign language video. Wayne Allwine in video #1 is especially fun to imitate! Have fun kids!



Editors Note: The writer of this blog would like to apologize for such a shitty post after a long and unexplained absence. Said writer has been experiencing great periods of unnecessary stress and little sleep, the effects of which can be seen in this blog entry. Additionally, this basketcase is also a lazy-ass and cannot bring herself to hit the delete button, to turn back the hand of time and erase your eyes and brain from experiencing my corny & mildy (extremely?) creepy sexy talk about Disney. For the love of God, its just a bunch of old men making silly voices. Nothing sexy about that... nothing.

WELCOME BACK, FOLKS!

Editors Note 2: It's amazing the amount of words I can write & still say nothing.
#barf

Ha Ha Hilllllarious

One of the only good things about our society obsessed with updating statuses for the internet to see is the hilarious and historical twists that are becoming popular.

Because I'm an idiot & can't figure out how to make this awesomeness easily visible to the normal human eye....click here

Droppin' Truth Bombs

Buffalo buffalo buffalo...

Did you know that....

Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo

...is a grammatically correct sentence in the English language? Yep.

It is because the word 'buffalo' has three meanings and uses: the name of the place Buffalo, New York (used as a noun adjunct in the sentence), the noun for the animal, and the verb which means to bully, confuse, deceive, or intimidate.

If you substitute the noun buffalo for bison and break down the sentence it essentially means:

Buffalo bison whom other Buffalo bison, themselves bully Buffalo bison.