Condoms, Rose!

Now it is time for another installment of Sex History. Not to be confused with Sexy History.

Today, class, we are going to be discussing CONDOMS! Condoms are the leading weapon against those pesky STDs and accidental brats. You can think of them as the safety on a loaded gun. Hahaha! If you don't wear a condom, you might kill someone. Guns are dangerous. The Spice Girls & I urge you to be safe (See lyrics to 2 Become 1)!
 

LIfE adVICE

We could all use a little life advice from time to time. Lord knows I need it every day. And what better way to receive said advice than in comic form. It's like a spoon full of sugar with your medicine, or better yet, Flinstones vitamin chewables. I'd never complain about taking medicine/ life advice if it was coated in sweetness. Also, these comics feature a lot of small clouds or something. I interpret them as farts. Lots of farts everywhere. I don't know how this could get any better! Sweet farts, everyone!

"No good at life, but very funny sometimes with the commentary." -Kurt Vonnegut

The Heart Wants What the Heart Wants

This is how most of my marriage proposals go.

Make 'Em Laugh*

Hahaha lol lulz hehehe bahahaha hardy har har --- Laughter.
This post is about laughter!

Laughing is one of my favorite things to do. I often worry that I do not laugh enough! But laughter is also incredibly bizarre. Our breathing shortens to the point where we're practically choking on air, weird sounds come out of our mouths, and our faces look dumb. Sometimes the laughter face can be mistaken for the pain or fear face. And this happens when we are thoroughly enjoying something. Watch strangers on the street during your people-watching sessions and just try to tell me that it's not weird! Weird but completely amazing and I'd rather be laughing than doing anything else. Here's some interesting facts about laughing (something we alllll take for granted!):

• Laughter is universal. All humans in all cultures laugh.

• We start laughing very early-- when we're about 4 months old.

• Laughter is unconscious. If you force it, you fake it. 

• Laughter is contagious. Perhaps that's the idea behind the cheesy laugh track??

• Laughter is a form of social communication. We rarely laugh when we're alone (I feel like I laugh a lot when I'm by myself...) and laugh 30 times more when in the company of others. What's more, the person doing the talking laughs twice as much as the person listening. Laughter is also thought to be the first form of communication between humans. "Laughter is the shortest distance between two people." - Victor Borge

• Women laugh twice as much as men.

• We aren't the only ones that laugh! Other mammals laugh! Check out these rats!

• The study of laughter is called gelotology. (Weird word, huh? Comes from the Greek word for laughter gelos, geloto) If I were a comedian, I'd refer to myself as a gelotologist. And then I'd sound like an asshole! So it goes.

•  You've all heard the expression, "laughter is the best medicine," well, I'd like to add to that, "only in small doses! Or else you might die!" hahaha Yes, you read correctly, apparently you can DIE from laughter! Really intense laughter can stop the oxygen flow to your brain and cause you some major issues. Also, laughter-induced syncope (fainting) is a thing. Crazy! But before you start deleting your unwatched SNL episodes from your DVR (ha, jk! that show hasn't been funny in years), wikipedia only has like 6 cases on there. Death from laughter only happens to the really unfortunate! And men, it seems! (Sorry, men.) Ha, like one reported case is from the third century B.C. and involves a Greek philosopher dying after laughing from feeding his donkey wine and watching his donkey try to eat figs. Just don't follow in his foot steps. I mean, everything in moderation! Laughter is still the best!

*Creative title credit goes to Lauren, and of course, Singin' in the Rain. 

Visage

My mom bought me a copy of Psychologies magazine a long time ago (like a real long time ago-- October 2009) and I just got around to reading some of it last night. And I just have to say, I'm so disappointed by this magazine! It is just like Cosmopolitan or Glamour but with a few extra "studies" --which Cosmopolitan and Glamour already have, to support their crazy lifestyle and sex suggestions. There is no way this magazine deserves to sit next to Psychology Today and Mental Floss in the magazine stands at bookstores. No way,  no day. If you really want to read a worthwhile magazine, I'd reccommend Psychology Today. It's far from perfect but it has some really interesting stuff in there and it's not organized like "women's interest" magazines.

With that said, there was one really cool (and really short) article about face recognition in Psychologies. Psychologists have recently discovered that there are people who are super-recognizers; that is, they never forget a face--be it the milkman, a taxi driver, or your doctor's receptionist. (Finally, an article about me! Haha, just kidding, all articles are about me, and if not, I find ways. Same goes for craigslist missed connections posts...."I wasn't really walking on West Cliff but I was definitely walking on Saturday, how sweet of him to notice me!" haha) They discovered super-recognizers in their research and work with people who suffer from prosopagnosia, or face-blindness. It is thought that 10% of the population are affected with prosopagnosia, which is A LOT of people, especially considering I didn't know it was a thing until last night. Crazier still, people  are either born with prosopagnosia or it is caused by damage to the brain.

Words, Words, Words

Something I've found myself doing is collecting quotes. I also collect ideas, phrases, poems-- words, language, and sounds in general. I'm not sure where my interests stem from but I think it's a pretty cool thing to collect. I collect ideas, which is way more practical and useful than collecting Pez dispensers or rubber duckies ("What's up with that?" - Jerry Seinfeld). I don't really get that--especially when the collection grows into like a million Pez dispensers and you have to dedicate a whole room to it? Why? I want to know why! What are you trying to say about yourself by collecting a million candy holders from your childhood? Collecting habits and practices are so fascinating! A collection speaks volumes about it's collector and the message they are trying to convey in the displaying of their objects for others to see. Like dorm rooms! Like facebook! Like museums--a-duhhh! Collecting on the national level, sooo interesting. I wonder what collecting quotes says about me! That I should have actually been a lit major? (Just kidding, I'll always love you Art History, even if you never get me a job!) That I'm trying to be intellectual? That everything I say is stolen? Probably. I had a dilemma earlier in the year... because I was stuck on the idea that at the end of the day, all I amount to is pop culture references and other people. Haha I could amount to much worse, or nothing at all, I suppose!

Anywho, this post is kicking off a new weekly tradition of posting quotes--"Quote of the Week," if you will. And to try to keep things interesting, I'm going to start off with a completely depressing quote. It's depressing to me at least, because I believe it sums up my life almost completely. But in an M. Night Shyamalan plot twist, I'll add a quote that cracks me up every time I read or think about it. First tears, then laughter!


"The trouble is not that I am single and likely to stay single, but that I am lonely and likely to stay lonely." - Charlotte Bronte


"Her hair is like a dandelion, like if you blew on it, a lot of it'd fall off." 
- Dpt. Jones, Reno 911


And the irony of it all is that the cool new font I chose makes the quotation marks look weird. What's a girl to do? Please leave your thoughts in the comments! What weird shit do you collect? What do you think of quotes? Let's go around the room.

"The Rarest of Things"

This is a film recorded in 1896 by the Lumiere Brothers. The colors of the dancer's dress were hand-tinted into the film frame by frame. Isn't that just incredible? It's so beautiful! Imagine how much work it takes to color film by hand, especially when it takes 24 frames of film for every second of viewing. I imagine a tired old man hunched over in his studio, wearing glasses with various magnifying lens attachments (exactly like this or this) and working with tiny brushes to keep the color perfectly in the lines. That must be so intense. The dancer reminds me of a flower. Pause the film at any point and it looks super cool. Music is Sigur Ros- "Se Lest." I recommend watching this before you go to bed to ensure magical and strange Labyrinth-like dreams (aka my dreams aka my dream wedding aka over-share!)

Jesus Christ Is Lord Not A Swear Word

It has come to my attention that there are several people haven't ever witnessed the miracles that are the Jesus videos. Sinners, I am here to show you the way, out from the dark into the light! Can I get a hallelujah! Can I get an Amen!

Every line spoken is a line to memorize and drop into casual conversation. Trust (in) me & enjoy!

Jesus Video #1--Jesus Needs a Break

Reblogging: "A Whole New World"

Okay, so I instantly identified with this video for several reasons:

1. I used to do similar shit when I was younger, except I didn't have the technological know-how to record myself and post it online (which I am entirely thankful for!) I used a karaoke machine and it was the Mulan soundtrack. Dressing up still occurred.

2. Whenever I do this duet with someone else, I'm always Aladdin! I don't know if my unnaturally deep voice (ha, just kidding! It's like the opposite--think, Mickey Mouse!) is perfect for the part or what.

3. Do you see the McDonald's fries carton on her wall as decoration? Fries sound really good right now. Plus, who DIDN'T tack fast food packaging to their walls---- just normal American teenager stuff. "This is me!"


COMPLAINTS:
Take an acting class, kid. Or at least learn to pretend like you are enjoying what you're doing. You look like someone off camera is poking you with something sharp, forcing you to make this video. If that's the case, learn how to cry for help better! And what kind of eye line is that? Are you--are you reading the lyrics as you go? Can you not find where the computer is recording?

Disneyland When No One Is Looking

One thing I love about Disneyland is how magically clean it is. Every time I visit the park, it looks like it has just opened. And I got a special invitation for a sneak peak visit. "Welcome, Princess Katie!" an animatronic blue bird chirps as I step through the turnstile at the ticket booth. Once through the portal, a park employee named Eduardo places a diamond encrusted tiara on my head. As he does that, he whispers "welcome home" into my ear, which sends tingles of excitement down my back. Eduardo snaps my picture and then hands me a map. A marching band plays "Push It" by Salt-n-Pepper in the background.

This is an incredible feat for a place that receives 40,000 visitors daily. Clearly, I do way more damage to my one bedroom apartment all by myself! I don't think you understand how impressed I am!

Hrrrrry Pttrrrr MekUp Tutrrrrlll.

In celebration for the much anticipated HP7 pt 2 movie bonanza craziness that awaits us shortly, I am gifting you with a tutorial. A Hagrid How-To! GET EXCITED! Everyone loves Hagrid. Just look at what the fans are saying. The common man, the you, the me. Here we have representation of Hagrid that recalls Gaston a la Disney's Beauty and the Beast. I expect this Hagrid to bust out into song about his chest hairs any minute now. Strong. Manly. Hagrid.

Clearly, it's decided by almost everybody that Hagrid is the next Johnny Depp, aka a SEX SYMBOL! Move over, Brad Pitt!  So, fellas, why not dress like him? He's all women talk/ fantasize about. It's right there in the Cosmopolitan research. Trust me, I read it for you!


Hope you enjoyed that as much as I did. Same girl who did the Avatar Make Up Tutorial, which had me thoroughly entertained for months.

Confessions of a Middle Schooler

I've always known my middle school diary was a fricken gold mine of embarrassment. So much so that occasionally I host author readings for my friends. They still reference and/or quote my youthful self...which leads me to worry that one day, this is all I'll be remembered for. Second, as most of you know, I have this strange compulsion to share my most embarrassing moments with people (sometimes strangers, just for the sake of conversation). It's like chronic diarrhea. Not that I know what that is! Third, what is a blog if not an online diary with an audience? Especially with the way I write. And a diary within a diary... how meta.

So, tonight, I flipped through a blue diary made of faux, dark-wash, denim material with a giant, pink, sparkly butterfly on it (UGH!) and pulled out some quotes that made me laugh outright. As you will see, LITTLE HAS CHANGED!

Rethinking Hipsters

Maybe I misjudged hipsters.

Maybe they actually DO know and thing or two about the history that they shamelessly wrap their lanky bodies in. Maybe they were actually part of the history they fain nostalgia for.

Maybe they time travel.

Don't look at me like I'm crazy. Maybe their snobbery is actually the secret to keeping this whole time travel thing under wraps.

Famed "Time Traveling Hipster" Photo. Do you see him? This is why God gave you eyes!

The time machine probably runs on a complex formula comprised of: cigarette butts, mustache wax, and the chemical compounds found in the plastic frames of the fake glasses that turn normal faces into hipster faces.


[Ed. note: I am a hipster wolf in sheep's clothing (picture me in a furries costume at a "Furmeet" in the woods/ motel 6--that is, a hipster furries costume that is like super tight, maybe ripped, old looking like vintage but I probably bought it at Urban Outfitters, androgynous, oh yeah with ipod headphones coming out of my wolfy ears). If that's too graphic, let me put it this way: hating hipsters makes you the ultimate hipster. Scientifically proven.]

Yesterday's Man

For whatever reason, it turns out that the majority of my known readers are male. You all know who you are! I haven't exactly pegged down why this is. Perhaps I just like things that typical males like... except for girls, sports, cars, camping, Chuck Norris, sexy anime, the "Stars"--both Trek and Wars, the new My Little Pony, deer antlers, and biking. Those are some key man things I just don't get. 

I realize that it now sounds as if I'm not qualified to give my Sunday sermon to you guys. "She just doesn't understand us at all. And it's Friday." - Men, everywhere.

Okay, okay, I understand how you could feel this way. But that's life. Get over it. Sometimes it just so happens that you find yourself getting advice from the absolute worst source ever. And you take the advice. And life generally works out okay. Besides, you can't fire me because I already quit!

But, like I was saying before I dug myself into hole and put in my two weeks notice, these words are being read by male eyes--dreamy male eyes. So, here's some advice and slang for manly men!