Yesterday's Man

For whatever reason, it turns out that the majority of my known readers are male. You all know who you are! I haven't exactly pegged down why this is. Perhaps I just like things that typical males like... except for girls, sports, cars, camping, Chuck Norris, sexy anime, the "Stars"--both Trek and Wars, the new My Little Pony, deer antlers, and biking. Those are some key man things I just don't get. 

I realize that it now sounds as if I'm not qualified to give my Sunday sermon to you guys. "She just doesn't understand us at all. And it's Friday." - Men, everywhere.

Okay, okay, I understand how you could feel this way. But that's life. Get over it. Sometimes it just so happens that you find yourself getting advice from the absolute worst source ever. And you take the advice. And life generally works out okay. Besides, you can't fire me because I already quit!

But, like I was saying before I dug myself into hole and put in my two weeks notice, these words are being read by male eyes--dreamy male eyes. So, here's some advice and slang for manly men!
(And don't act like you are better than this manly men stuff, cause you like to pretend that you are sensitive or artsy or whatever, but really we all know that deep down you want to be a manly man just like everyone else. You wouldn't lose sleep at night, and the ladies wouldn't kick you out of their beds either.)



Here's my advice. Pick up the qualities of yesterday's man. Shit's classy. And girls dig it. Most girls would be all for a whirlwind romance in a time machine. That's why there are like a million remakes of Jane Austen novels and we all know how successful Kate & Leopald was, right? Be a Leopald. Take horseback riding lessons, grow chest hair, play poker, wear boots.

Case in point: men in the 19th century were wayyy cool and wayyy manly. Here is some old-timey man-slang that I triple dog dare you to use in your day to day conversation. You shall feel more manly with every application! If you don't feel manly, you'll at least feel original. Originality is schexy.


Blinker: A blackened or hard blow in the eye.
Cat-heads: A sea phrase for a woman's breasts.
Cupboard Love: Pretended love to the cook, or any other person, for the sake of a meal. My guts cry cupboard; i.e. I am hungry. 
Dash-fire: Vigor, manliness.
Fart Catcher: A valet or footman, from his walking behind his master or mistress.
Fimble-Famble: A lame, prevaricating excuse.
Gentleman of Four Outs: When a vulgar, blustering fellow asserts that he is a gentleman, the retort generally is, ” Yes, a Gentleman Of Four Outs”—that is, without wit, without money, without credit, and without manners.
Gullyfluff: The waste—coagulated dust, crumbs, and hair—which accumulates imperceptibly in the pockets of schoolboys.
Holy Water: He loves him as the Devil likes holy water; i.e. hates him mortally.
Houghmagandy: Sexy sex sex sex.
Rusty Guts: A blunt, rough, old fellow
Saw Your Timber: “Be off!” equivalent to “cut your stick.” Occasionally varied, with mock refinement, to “amputate your mahogany.” (Haha or something else....)
Sit-upons: Trousers.

If you want the houghmagandy, you gotta have the dash fire. Don't give me any fimble-famble! You don't want to wind up a rusty gutted fart catcher, do you? Oh, you do?! Well, to each their own.

Clicky clicky: The Art of Manliness || Nerd Boyfriend

[Ed. note: Don't really take my advice! I know at least one girl who's into this, but I can't speak for the rest! Despite that really convincing Kate & Leopald evidence and everything! Stay Cool! Don't change! K.I.T! Have a kick ass summer!]